i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Randomize
