I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize