I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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