Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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