nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
