So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
