those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
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