you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
