I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
