im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
she pinky promised me she was 18
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
