Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
