Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
