I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
My bed is full of blood and feathers
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
