i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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