I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
