I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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