For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
