I just cut my nipple shaving
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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