the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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