The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
