Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
