I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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