We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
