I hate all girls vehemently.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Randomize