why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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