Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
