I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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