Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
