you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Randomize
