porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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