I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
