I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
