can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize