Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
