Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
only you would photoshop your dick
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
