You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
