I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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