Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
