I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Randomize