My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
