She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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