My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
