I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
