Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
