I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
