I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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