i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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