tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
