Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
