I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
