wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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