matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
