3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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