Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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