So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
