just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I have tasted many bathrooms
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
