i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
i need some magic done to my vagina
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
