She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
