dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
