mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
